I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
