A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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