if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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