Whatcha textin bout Willis?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
