Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
