these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
