I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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