Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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