I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
