The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
