yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
