The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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