Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
