I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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