but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I will pee on everything he values.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
