Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
