Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
