how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
