Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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