my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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