this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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