I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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