Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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