i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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