I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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