I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
