How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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