Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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