Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
