yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
