my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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