I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
