you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We have started to decorate penises.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
