I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I pour the whiskey from now on
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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