I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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