last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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