so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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