Me. At least after what I've been through.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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