no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
im six kinds of drunk right now
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
