Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
