think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
