it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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