My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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