All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
