Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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