Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
