Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
