i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
