we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
