The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
