My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
